The past few days I've been reflecting a bit *sur ma nouvelle vie* ... so many experiences, so many feelings, so many changes have been compacted into what, with a little distance, I realize is a very short time.
I have thought about how little time three months really is. At least in my old lifetime. Not a lot new and different happened within three months. Same corporate Groundhog Days... same dismal evenings ...
Life seems magnified for me here. I've been told I am not the same woman that arrived here July 13th. I think my first month was spent in a state of confusion. Of trying to shed the layers accumulated for survival and protection. Of paying attention to the moments instead of worrying about the coming days, weeks, months, years. My physical metamorphosis is a manifestation of similar changes occurring on the inside.
My dear friend Kathleen calls it being 'present'. For non-new agey types like me, she translates that to an instruction to 'feel your feet'. That's right, think about feeling your feet on the ground. Bringing your attention back to what is happening right now, in this moment, and savoring it. Noticing it. Appreciating it.
I still have my days. Hours. Fearfulness. I'm also noticing that sometimes the fear and worry is being replaced by excitement. Instead of fearing for the unknown future and what it may hold, can I be excited by the unknown? sometimes yes, I'm actually doing just that.
I've never been a patient woman. I'm the kind of person who somehow just 'sees' a situation, how it should be, how it can be, how I want or expect it to be. Once I 'see' it, I desire immediate gratification... seems simple to me.
But that was when I was in control. My lessons in vulnerability are frustrating, requiring patience, reflection and letting go. I'm terrible at all of those. I'm not a good student but it seems that in these new instances, it doesn't really matter. There is no choice for me but to submit to the fates. (or whatever one might want to call it...)
Because I seem to be learning and changing and growing a lot, it just doesn't seem possible that it has only been 3 months (or so for you control freaks!!!)
I can't imagine where I'll be in three more ... or six more ... or ... um, wait a minute, Kim, feel your feet, feel your feet!
9 comments:
Sounds like this whole dealie was worth it, no?
You may not have realized this, but it shows in your posts as I suspect it does on you face and certainly in you waistline. I have to admit, I really envy you. Rock on with you new self.
You are a changed woman and I love it. France is where you belong. We just hit our 1 month mark, now the vacation is over and real life will hit us. At least I think it will.
Happy 3 month anniversary Kim! I haven't been able to keep up with your metamorphosis cos I've been so run off my feet; Kathleen's analogy will be burning my ears off. Here's to living in the moment. xx
I am green with envy and can only hope that my own transition goes as well as yours has gone thus far!
Happy Anniversary, Chérie!
I was being really nice. You were my first thought but my second thought was "She's always getting sucked in!"
So, since there is always a dropout percentage, got for it you dare!
I love following your progress! I'm sorry we missed seeing each other but hope we can meet up before the end of Nov. - for a glass (or bottle) of something?
Always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground and step off alone into a new place, there will be, along with the feelings of curiousity and excitement, a little nagging of dread. It is the ancient fear of the Unknown and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into. Wendell Berry naturalist
Has it been 3 months? Wow...it's funny when I reflect on our lives it's like I've traded places with you..not I'm the one living the dull corporate life while you are living the exciting one, sucks to be me. :P
anon-good thought to reflect upon... thanks and welcome!
diane- hi there! hope all is well ...
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