2008. J'ai été transformé

It is a bit overdue, but since it is still January ... I think I still have time to reflect on 2008.

Not to sound braggy...but in 2008 I was transformed. How do I count the ways?

1. I walked away from a corporate career, replete with substantial responsibility ... and stress. Somewhere I found the courage and along the way, have built the strength.
2. I deconstructed my existence (much of the process is documented here in my blog), namely I downsized from 3 residences and the accoutrements required for same. I sorted, sold, donated and discarded innumerable possessions that represented much of what I was apparently working for ... with much relief and incredulity ... was all this shit really worth all that shit I put up with? one thinks not.
3. I prepared sheafs of paperwork for myself and my dogs ... in an effort (successful) to gain admittance to France. Others find this bureaucratic, I found it endearing.
4. I arrived in France and slept on the floor of my nearly decrepit old stone house for a month or more. I grew to appreciate how little I really required to be happy.
5. I gained new friends and insights to a way of life that I have happily embraced. I've formed relationships that to me are now priceless. I've learned to be vulnerable in the process. Imagine! ME, vulnerable? accepting of help...kindness...love.
6. I literally transformed physically in the eyes of the people that surrounded me. I went from a size 12+ to a size 6 or less ... acquiring improved health, stamina and an increased joie de vivre!
7. Most days, I am stunned at my newfound happiness and profoundly grateful for same.
8. I have found great satisfaction from being a diarist, documenting my journey and sometimes even spitting out some prose that has connected with my slowly growing audience.

I face 2009 with intense anticipation and a modicum of disquiet. For now, I begin the construction of a new life. Will I find the courage to take on the one pursuit I've dreamed and feared all my life ... writing? While I believe I have a seed within me, the potential (if properly nurtured) to grow and bloom in that regard ... the strong possibility of rejection has wilted my motivation in the past ... despite the encouraging reception when I have given serious effort.

Will I embark upon other pursuits that are in opposition to my past career? small start-ups, maximizing talents and love of food and cooking that I ignored for years in favor of business and leadership and corporations and ... blech? Will I reach down inside and find the cojones to take such efforts on independently? hmmm.

My 2009 prospects for love, work and life are positively thrilling. and positively, mind-numbingly fraught with risk and fear. fear of heartache. failure. rejection. the like.

All of those fears held me in their nauseous grip for far too many years. For me, those fears were defined in so many ways by the culture of America.

My challenge to myself is to do all in my power to be present in each day. to embrace the moments as the only ones I can truly define and enjoy. I managed to do this much of the time in 2008. Well, at least I got better at reminding myself to try.

I guess this post has ended up being mostly a summary as opposed to an epiphany. Except that last bit. And if I can impart the desire to do, even just a bit, of the same in some of you ... well, that would make me that much happier.

Yes life is scary. and letting go of what we think we 'know' is a risk. Let me tell you though, all those things I thought I knew, thought I had ... well, for me they were just a bill of goods someone sold me at a very high price.

I've still some letting go left to do. Some more trust to build. Some facts about myself I've denied that I've yet to face. Some doors I've barricaded shut that I must unlock and open. But I am on on my way. And 2008 was the springboard.

So long live 2008. and watch out 2009!

three months.

The past few days I've been reflecting a bit *sur ma nouvelle vie* ... so many experiences, so many feelings, so many changes have been compacted into what, with a little distance, I realize is a very short time.

I have thought about how little time three months really is. At least in my old lifetime. Not a lot new and different happened within three months. Same corporate Groundhog Days... same dismal evenings ...

Life seems magnified for me here. I've been told I am not the same woman that arrived here July 13th. I think my first month was spent in a state of confusion. Of trying to shed the layers accumulated for survival and protection. Of paying attention to the moments instead of worrying about the coming days, weeks, months, years. My physical metamorphosis is a manifestation of similar changes occurring on the inside.

My dear friend Kathleen calls it being 'present'. For non-new agey types like me, she translates that to an instruction to 'feel your feet'. That's right, think about feeling your feet on the ground. Bringing your attention back to what is happening right now, in this moment, and savoring it. Noticing it. Appreciating it.

I still have my days. Hours. Fearfulness. I'm also noticing that sometimes the fear and worry is being replaced by excitement. Instead of fearing for the unknown future and what it may hold, can I be excited by the unknown? sometimes yes, I'm actually doing just that.

I've never been a patient woman. I'm the kind of person who somehow just 'sees' a situation, how it should be, how it can be, how I want or expect it to be. Once I 'see' it, I desire immediate gratification... seems simple to me.

But that was when I was in control. My lessons in vulnerability are frustrating, requiring patience, reflection and letting go. I'm terrible at all of those. I'm not a good student but it seems that in these new instances, it doesn't really matter. There is no choice for me but to submit to the fates. (or whatever one might want to call it...)

Because I seem to be learning and changing and growing a lot, it just doesn't seem possible that it has only been 3 months (or so for you control freaks!!!)

I can't imagine where I'll be in three more ... or six more ... or ... um, wait a minute, Kim, feel your feet, feel your feet!