2008. J'ai été transformé

It is a bit overdue, but since it is still January ... I think I still have time to reflect on 2008.

Not to sound braggy...but in 2008 I was transformed. How do I count the ways?

1. I walked away from a corporate career, replete with substantial responsibility ... and stress. Somewhere I found the courage and along the way, have built the strength.
2. I deconstructed my existence (much of the process is documented here in my blog), namely I downsized from 3 residences and the accoutrements required for same. I sorted, sold, donated and discarded innumerable possessions that represented much of what I was apparently working for ... with much relief and incredulity ... was all this shit really worth all that shit I put up with? one thinks not.
3. I prepared sheafs of paperwork for myself and my dogs ... in an effort (successful) to gain admittance to France. Others find this bureaucratic, I found it endearing.
4. I arrived in France and slept on the floor of my nearly decrepit old stone house for a month or more. I grew to appreciate how little I really required to be happy.
5. I gained new friends and insights to a way of life that I have happily embraced. I've formed relationships that to me are now priceless. I've learned to be vulnerable in the process. Imagine! ME, vulnerable? accepting of help...kindness...love.
6. I literally transformed physically in the eyes of the people that surrounded me. I went from a size 12+ to a size 6 or less ... acquiring improved health, stamina and an increased joie de vivre!
7. Most days, I am stunned at my newfound happiness and profoundly grateful for same.
8. I have found great satisfaction from being a diarist, documenting my journey and sometimes even spitting out some prose that has connected with my slowly growing audience.

I face 2009 with intense anticipation and a modicum of disquiet. For now, I begin the construction of a new life. Will I find the courage to take on the one pursuit I've dreamed and feared all my life ... writing? While I believe I have a seed within me, the potential (if properly nurtured) to grow and bloom in that regard ... the strong possibility of rejection has wilted my motivation in the past ... despite the encouraging reception when I have given serious effort.

Will I embark upon other pursuits that are in opposition to my past career? small start-ups, maximizing talents and love of food and cooking that I ignored for years in favor of business and leadership and corporations and ... blech? Will I reach down inside and find the cojones to take such efforts on independently? hmmm.

My 2009 prospects for love, work and life are positively thrilling. and positively, mind-numbingly fraught with risk and fear. fear of heartache. failure. rejection. the like.

All of those fears held me in their nauseous grip for far too many years. For me, those fears were defined in so many ways by the culture of America.

My challenge to myself is to do all in my power to be present in each day. to embrace the moments as the only ones I can truly define and enjoy. I managed to do this much of the time in 2008. Well, at least I got better at reminding myself to try.

I guess this post has ended up being mostly a summary as opposed to an epiphany. Except that last bit. And if I can impart the desire to do, even just a bit, of the same in some of you ... well, that would make me that much happier.

Yes life is scary. and letting go of what we think we 'know' is a risk. Let me tell you though, all those things I thought I knew, thought I had ... well, for me they were just a bill of goods someone sold me at a very high price.

I've still some letting go left to do. Some more trust to build. Some facts about myself I've denied that I've yet to face. Some doors I've barricaded shut that I must unlock and open. But I am on on my way. And 2008 was the springboard.

So long live 2008. and watch out 2009!

the times they are a changin'

In addition to visiting my family and friends, the main reason I returned to the states was to help out in our shop during the holiday season.

which seems to have gone strangely missing.

things have been generally okay in our tiny boutique. Slower than last year, granted, but given what I've seen and heard about here ... it could be worse.

Customers, when they do appear, many times spend a half hour or more browsing and then depart with a thanks. Others share what they are seeing out and about this season. A couple yesterday arrived after their fancy brunch in the city. It was at a large hotel in San Francisco, in the best restaurant. They told me 2 tables were occupied in the entire restaurant. This on the Sunday before Christmas, a week-end normally packed everywhere during prior holidays. They had been to the SF Galleria mall and described it as a ghost town.

When I arrived here in Portland, my friend and I visited a large mall in search of some stuff for French friends. Granted, this was still a few weeks before Christmas ... but it was startlingly quiet.

On the other hand, last night I hit a small outdoor shopping area in search of the Apple store ... very popular in these parts and it was fairly bustling.

Most people I speak to are at least uneasy. many are scared of what 2009 will bring in terms of the economy, etc. And yet, I know of many new businesses being launched next year (small bars, restaurants, boutiques, etc.).

Personally, I hope the world's consumers turn away from corporations and big box money-makers and turn back to their smaller, local providers in the community. After all, it appears our friendly government will bail out the big guys.

Its the little guys that need your help. and optimism. and support. If everyone just shuts down, it will be much worse. I say take your budgeted disposable income to your local business owners. with a smile and nod of encouragement. 2010 will come that much more quickly and with a positive bent.

not sure about why ...

One morning this week as I returned from an outing, I pulled up to my house and saw la Poste fellow parking his bike outside my door and knocking. I smiled and nodded from the car, getting out. I was expecting he had a package or something I had to sign for.

He asked me if I would like to buy a calendar. He reached into one of the hanging side-rucksacks that usually contain the mail and pulled out a stack of calenders.

"Vous preferez les chiens? les chats? les fleurs?", he inquired.

How much?, I asked. "C'etais votre choix" ... (it is your choice) ...

So now I was flummoxed. Calenders for a donation?! and why?

I asked him if the money was for the village. It took a couple of tries before he understood. No, he said, for me!

I walked back to the car to get my purse. The calendars were clearly printed by the post (they are marked as such). They are more than calendars, they are hardbound with maps and almanac information, emergency phone numbers for France and the Dordogne, post codes and various other stuff.

I offered him 5 euros and he smiled and thanked me. This is my selection.

I'm still baffled. Obviously I missed something ... fundraising for postmen?

anyone?