Je suis fatigué. for some reason, I haven't slept very well the last couple of nights and I have that ultra-sensitivity thing going on associated with lack of sleep.
I vaguely recollect this feeling from my 20s and 30s. Some of you may remember those nights of coming home from work, donning party gear and then departing to dance straight through until the next morning. After one of those episodes, you get this great lightheaded feeling and sort of a strange prickly sensation on the skin and a slight burn in the chest.
I swear its true. The only problem is I haven't been dancing all night. That would make the situation almost enjoyable. Instead I've been restless. and worrying a bit. About what? hmmm. well that's what I need to get to the bottom of. Maybe it isn't worry. exactly. it could be ...
1. A foot in each country and not knowing where I'll land. I've pretty much decided if I can fashion a sustainable life here, it is looking pretty good. I think I need to have been here longer, some or all of all four seasons, to be sure.
2. Wondering how #1 will impact my daughter and son.
There's other little naggling things, but I suppose it boils down to lack of certainty.
I've gotten better with dealing with lack of certainty. Hell, being a big ol' control freak I'd say I'm doing pretty damn well. But ... I'm just not 100% sure! (lmao).
Okay well this post is basically meaningless. Adding no value to the blogosphere. Useless ramblings of a runaway American.
What's that, you say? so what ELSE is new? harumph.
7 comments:
I remember coming home from work to a kid. Even safe sex isn't 100%. Wow, the wingnuts are right! Keep it in your pants, people!
Hell with dancing, I just would've gotten baked to some string quartets or death metal. Yes, I'm that boring.
#1: No matter how successful you are with the logistics of such a move, if you're the sensitive type - which you appear to be, unless you're a filthy liar - you're going to have these sentiments
#2: Ditto.
Of course, I have no grand advice for you, since I'd be feeling the exact same thing. Minus the all-night dancing, especially since I cannot find my platform shoes.
And no, a useless post would be one more political one. The ratio of those to human ones is about 72 billion-to-1.
I entered the world of insomnia when we started the IVF shennanigans. I am all for analyzing all manner of things--but my insomnia I have decided is just a hormonal torment.
But, your concerns are the kind that keep a gal up at night. That said, it will take the four seasons for you to decide and there is nothing you can do about #2 except be responsive to the situation and feelings that arise. That said, I would take an Ambien and get some sleep---unless you have an opportunity to dance all night or to go out for "appetizers;-)."
RG-I had 2 kids, but I still managed to squeeze in some all nighters.... !
LBR-why you wicked little scamp, you read my mind! mmmmm, appetizers!
and yes, 4 seasons it is. But see, I like to plan ahead. even with my worrying!
Know that "tired" feeling all too well. I get it if I go to bed after 10pm. But, I promise, I'm really "youthful" otherwise!
Your worries seem quite legitimate to me--from one control freak to the other. I'm not even in France and I've already run one psychosomatic pain number on myself due to feeling "guilty" for "abandoning" my family-of-orign, half of whom are firmly in the afterlife and half of whom I have not seen in almost a decade.
I visited a hypnotherapist to resolve it when the AMA was of no use whatsoever. I am completely serious and empathetic re: your concerns about your dear children.
I went to sign the papers making the house mine and took a raging episode of vulvodynia with me. It did not dissipate until I articulated my very real feelings of guilt associated with actualizing my dream of moving to and living in France, permanently. And I wasn't hypnotized, of all things, just talking and seeing my conflicted emotions at work on my body.
Recently, in line with the diminishing grip of my daily US life on me, I decided to take "The Magical Approach" to my worries, as opposed to my usual ego-directed "realistic" approach. Your quote from Ruth Gordon speaks to that: "Never, ever, face facts."
I decided to grant myself the right to take an oblique view of circumstances rather than a direct view (words are a bit iffy for describing this, but bear with me).
I would assume that if I was doing it, whatever it was, that it was totally the right decision, in the totally right place, at the totally right time, and that I would not leave my ego out there like the Lone Ranger, thinking it was running the whole show, but, rather introduce it to, or reintroduce it to, its "team"--my dreams, my desires, my impulses, my yearnings, my intuitions, my coincidences, my miracles, my magic, my precognitions, my resonances, my feelings, my 6th,7th, and 8th senses, my innate knowledge--all of it, the team.
Then I would deliberately NOT worry. When I was tempted to worry, I would take notice that my ego was worrying again and I would let her know that we were all in this together and that it was all going to turn out beautifully, much better than I ever imagined. Then, I would turn back to concentrating on what I wanted vs what I didn't want.
Everything looks better after a good rest and everything looks more arduous when you are tired. Do get some rest. And forgive my flawed effort to speak about "The Magical Approach" which works better than I describe.
Amitiés,
LaF-thank you for always taking the time to provide such kind and insightful feedback, I think there are some really valid points here for me to ponder.
je suis fatigué....that's the title of my last post! I'm with ya.
I'm a night person and enjoy sleeping in. I think the middle of the night is a good time to write. Since I write from memory and as a writer have the power to change the way things turn out, I don't really mind the fatigue now and then. You sound plenty energetic. At least you're ALIVE in there.
meaningful blog is whatever YOU write, dahling. Your introspection is more interesting than 90% of my blogroll, and that includes my very own blog.
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